nagging experiences

So i had this event last october that i have been thinking changed my life. Actually i think it would be more accurate to say it made me aware that my life needs to change. i've had to deal with lots of side affects physically and have had a fairly smooth complete recovery. most of that recovery has been successful due to hard work and a great therapist and doctor who made wise decisions for me. there is one part of the recovery though that has been out of my hands and that is the 12" x 4" wound that is scarring over. it did really well healing from the inside out until just one spot about the size of a quarter was left. its been 6-7 weeks of this same spot getting better and worse, smaller and bigger.





















what does any of this matter and why take the time to blog on it - well, as with everything it really parallels what's been going on with me in general.

ever feel like you are healing up really well? you've got the scars from wounds and life lessons but you are on the up swing and beginning to look towards the next chapter in your life only to take a look at that scar and see the nagging remains of infection and woundedness? I am realizing more and more that in my healing (im talking spiritual not physical) i continue to find patches that need attention or they just continue to hang around.

about a month ago i was telling my life story to a group and shared an event that happened 16 years ago. In the telling of my story i shared this event in the context that i "knew" what was going on with me at the time and i really believed that i had a grasp on it. after the session one of the people in the group shared some insights and asked directly "have you worked through that event"? in that moment i knew that i had not - i had let a scar develop that i could talk about as if it were healed but there was still a spot that was open and full of infection. that event has directly affected the way i have approached relationships throughout my adult life and my life has not been lived to its full potential because i've never treated this wound and allowed God to bring healing.

it was even more evident this week at a seminar that i have been attending. we were split up into groups with a leader that i had never even seen or spoken to before. after asking a few questions of some of the other members of the group he turned to me and asked if i had any insights on the topic we were discussing in relation to my life. i shared a few thoughts, he asked what i did at the church and then proceeded to strip away layers of my life and speak truth directly to me and challenge me to find health and identity in Christ. Amazing stuff. Its like he had observed me and knew exactly what i was thinking and dealing with - and he doesn't have any information on my past wounds and scars - he just observed my responses and what i was currently involved in.

Now i firmly believe God knows me and the areas that need healing and he used these two individuals to bring challenge to my life. the real issue i deal with though goes back to the opening of this blog - i know i need healing - i know my life needs to change - its starting the process that is so difficult.

the same person who challenged me on dealing with my past suggested i write out my life story in 5 year segments. i think i might try that - probably not for you all to read - more for me to actually lay eyes on my experiences and feelings. at this point i'm willing to give about anything a shot. i just want to BEGIN a healing process instead of TALKING about it.

how about you? are you ready to DO something about your past? are you willing to allow God to expose your infections and begin the process of healing?

Charlie - I am your father

Attempting to link video to my blog so I thought I'd throw up my sons favorite experience from the last 6 months.

"i wasn't afraid because God was with me" - Charlie

- Posted using my iPhone

influential experiences

i'm currently in a season where i am learning more and more how my past has shaped who i am today. one of the things continues to show up in my mind is the very unique and distinct differences between myself and my 3 brothers.

a key fact is that i am 10, 11, and 14 years younger than my brothers and so i grew almost in an entirely different generation. they each went on to college in the early 80's and i entered college in 1993.

whats really interesting is not necessarily how different i am than each of them but how unique they each are in relation to each other as well. here is a general breakdown of the path each of us has taken.

Brother R: born in 1961: Father of 2, Minister in the CMA church, married a girl he met at a christian college, moved around the midwest eventually ladning in north central ohio.

Brother D: born in 1964: Father of 1, scientist, after grad school married an italian/eastcoast girl, not religious, settled in the northeast.

Brother S: born in 1965: Father of 4, Sales Management, moved to california after college and married, catholic.

Brother M (me): born in 1975: Father of 2, Minister, married my high school girlfriend, moved to kentucky out of high school.

there's one point that is a common thread: we all left home and never returned once we went into college. I attribute this several things including the independent spirit our mother instilled in each of us and the big dreams our parents always encouraged us to chase. (my mother now regrets that independent spirit having to travel thousands of miles each year to see the grandkids!)

i know - i'm not really on point with this blog - stick with me!

here's the kicker: my parents where children of ministers and devoted christians and they themselves were committed christians and church volunteers. notice that all 4 of their sons have chosen different paths? Minister, Agnostic, Catholic, Minister. Wait a minute - 2 of those are the same and most would argue catholic is very similar. if you dig a little deeper you'll find that my oldest brother and I (both ministers) are similar in our beliefs but quite different culturally. i would consider him more conservative socially/culturally than i am (i can provide examples if you'd like). when it comes to my 3rd brother being catholic there are two key observations 1. he was raised in a town that had a strong catholic presence but was taught in our baptist church that they were not christians and 2. he's catholic because he married into a catholic family. he could of as easily been presbyterian.

notice that the two outside sons put an emphasis on faith (although in different generations and different expressions culturally) and the middle two sons did not? i talked with my parents about this once and got an interesting and revealing perspective from our dad. he shared with me their journey with the local church. as my oldest brother was coming up through school they were involved in a vibrant church that was ministering to the students. my parents also embraced relevant music and activities that engaged my brother (at the time keith green and andre crouch were the rage!). however, when their middle two sons came along in the middle school age the church was struggling and my parents attitude toward church was not positive at all. our dad felt obligated to serve as a volunteer music leader but our mother didn't want to attend and eventually left to go to another church. this caused (in my fathers mind) confusion and left an impression on my middle to brothers. by the time i came along our parents where back in the swing of church and volunteering and the youth program provided me with a great core group of friends.

i'm sure there are many more factors to why we have each chosen to approach faith in our own ways but the church "experience" that each of us were brought up under and our parents response to it certainly gives some perspective to how we can guide those around us with whom we have influence. i know my parents live with a certain amount of guilt (right or wrong) with their attitudes towards church during those years.

let's continue to be alert to those around us and under our care. when we look back in 20 years we'll be able to celebrate those experiences that have shaped their lives in a positive way.

that just happened - I think

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you "woke up" in the middle of it realizing you can't remember the last 3 minutes? The most common example is likely driving the interstate and not remembering the last 10 miles.

I had one of those moments this weekend. We were in the middle of a phil wickham song "cannons" during the first set. This is a song that I am pretty comfortable with but I wouldn't say I "own" it yet. As we rolled into the 2nd chorus I freaked because I could not remember singing the 2nd verse. Then I thought "I just sang the first verse again". Coming off stage I asked the crew "did I just double that verse?" they all assured me that I sang the correct lyric.

I've been trying to remember what distracted me. Was it my battle all weekend with my guitar tone? The people on the front row staring at the stage blankly? The extremely loud synth patch in my mix?

Not sure I'll figure it out but isn't it interesting that our minds can instruct our body to play the right chords with the right pickup selected, the correct strum pattern, sing the correct melody with the correct lyrics and be thinking about the really cool guitar lick I just heard or have thoughts about the people that are walking out of church early?

I'd like to think that I was so engaged in the experience that i was extremely comfortable but I have to ask myself if I kicked into autopilot and just got lucky!

- Posted using my iPhone

altered experiences

woke up with a question on my mind today and thought i might throw it out there for the world to think about.

what is it that motivates people to "keep on going" through difficult and often tragic situations?

the story of the bronze medal winning Canadian skater continuing to compete, and from what i understand finishing better than expected, just days after her mother passed away has made me think through how i would handle such an experience.

another great example sits closer to home. this past weekend we welcomed back one of our band members who had been out for the last six months caring for his dying mother. (i like to call him bulletproof so i'll refer to him as BP). with his mother having passed on he decided it was time to get back in the swing of things. what i wasn't aware of was the fact that he was going through the exact same thing with his father. given only days left to live BP still made the decision to be a part of the band this weekend. on sunday morning he got word that his father had passed on - just before the last service - and with tears in his eyes he pushed forward and gave everything he had. he could have easily asked for relief or at least brought to light what was going on - but he choose instead to accomplish what was in front of him. i won't speculate here why i think he did that but i will say that his language afterward was that of someone who saw a bigger picture in all of it.

i'm interested - have any of you pushed through tragedy similar to these stories?